Bus People: The Boner Grabber

Enjoy this Paint version of the Boner Grabber.

Enjoy this Paint version of the Boner Grabber.

Monday evening, I caught my normal bus home. I sat down in the back, between a small child and a guy in his early thirties. Initially, I was pretty distracted by a super cute guy down the aisle, working on his Sudoku puzzle. Did he have a ring? Did he look single? What do single guys look like? They should wear a button. Eventually, I noticed that the dude to my left kept reaching his hand towards his crotch.

I like to think that if I was on public transit, and some guy was jerking the gherkin through his pants, I’d stand up and loudly call attention to him–complete with cell phone video to put on YouTube to bring the public shaming full circle. “HEY EVERYBODY, THIS GUY IS MASTERBATING ON A PUBLIC BUS. LET’S CALL HIS MOTHER.”

But… I just couldn’t be sure. He would reach and pull at his pants. Then stop. Then grab and rub up near his groin. Then stop. Maybe he had an itch. Maybe he had crabs. Like Medusa, I didn’t want to look directly at him.

I thought about moving, but then the little girl who was crawling all over the next seat, staring up at me with big curious eyes, would be right in his line of sight.

Eventually, he got up and moved to the seat across from me. And I realized–definite boner. Not a very impressive boner, but noticeable nonetheless. However, now he was using one hand to hold on to the pole (the bus pole) and the other arm to shield himself from view. Maybe my furtive side-eye was effective? Maybe he was trying to do some weird dominant stare-down thing? Who knows.

Beware. Beware the Boner Grabber.

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