Meaning of Being a Grown-Up: Figured It Out

I realized that the true meaning of being an adult is just adding alcohol to all the things I drank as a kid.
-Juice
-Hot chocolate
-Eggnog
-Tomato juice
-Punch
-Soda
-Coffee? Did I drink coffee as a kid? Maybe in, like, seventh grade.


I keep half of my alcohol right in front of the knives, because apparently I don't understand safety.

I keep half of my alcohol right in front of the knives, because apparently I don’t understand safety.

That’s it. That’s the secret of adulthood. Being an adult is hard, but the universe has given us fermentation as a way of coping. As a child, you don’t need alcohol, because you have mystery and imagination. But 21 is around the age you graduate from college, which is about the time you realize that the world is difficult and your dreams don’t matter.

Hazelnut liqueur tastes great in hot chocolate made with vanilla almond milk!

I got 57 drafts, but a post ain’t one.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to use my Gmail drafts folder as a digital post-it idea wall. I also have a real post-it idea wall; however, I am not always near this wall. On occasion, I do leave my home. (Even though I did not do this today. It’s cold. No judging.)

So potential posts, info about literary agents, blog ideas I want to pitch… they all end up in the drafts folder. I’m generating ideas like gumballs pouring out of a broken machine. But. I. Just. Can’t. Get. The. Ideas. Out. Of. Drafts.

STAHP.

STAHP.

Maybe if I buy a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints and keep the cookies in the freezer. Then every time I post a blog, I get a cookie. This could work. IF I JUST KNEW SOME PRE-TEEN GIRLS.

Also, Thin Mints are officially vegan now:

GIRL SCOUTS ARE DIABOLICAL MARKETERS WITH THEIR TINY FINGERS ON THE PULSE OF THE AMERICAN COOKIE CONSUMER.

GIRL SCOUTS ARE DIABOLICAL MARKETERS WITH THEIR TINY FINGERS ON THE PULSE OF THE AMERICAN COOKIE CONSUMER.

Wisdom Teeth Saga: The First Consultation

As promised, the true story of the removal of my first three wisdom teeth. Broken down into pieces so I can get them out more easily. Just like the teeth themselves.


August of 2013. After taking an x-ray, my new dentist told me that–contrary to what I’d previously been told–I had wisdom teeth. And they were a mess. “Ratchet,” I believe the kids would say.

Mistake Number One: Not having my wisdom teeth out sooner. When I was a teenager, I had a dentist tell me I actually didn’t have wisdom teeth. When another dentist side-eyed this assertion and tried to send me to an oral surgeon for a better x-ray, I was like, “I don’t wanna!” And my parents said, “…Okay.” (This is also why I never got braces. This is also not a good parenting strategy. THANKS GUYS.)

This allowed my wisdom teeth to grow. To settle in and put down roots.

Roots = bad.

My first consultation was with a surgeon who had extremely hooded eyelids. This concerned me, since I could not see his eyeballs. Also, he seemed to be outright arguing with his nursing staff while I was in the office. Then they heavily pressured me–with lots of huffing and scowling–into paying $400 out-of-pocket for a special x-ray.

The special x-ray machine turned out to be in the break room, so I had my head scanned while surrounded by purses and lunches. Part of the consultation also then took place in the break room, interrupted when one of the nurses came in to tell the surgeon he had a call and to hand him a fistful of change. He proceeded to rant about how much he did not like the person who had called and how he wasn’t going to call them back.

I left feeling almost certain I was going to die.

 

 

 

VINDICATION IS THE BEST ANTI-ITCH BALM

(But hydrocortisone is a close second.)

So after presenting a live bed bug as evidence that I am not a hypochondriac crazy person with skin issues, I talked to the apartment managers: THEY FOUND BED BUG GROUND ZERO.

THEY FOUND IT.

IT WAS APARTMENT 510.

(Above me and to the left. I’m 411.)

Apparently, the folks in 510 were crowding a bunch of people in their apartment. People they weren’t supposed to have there. And one of those people brought in a bed bug infested mattress. And then the infestation spread to the surrounding apartments.

I WAS TOTALLY RIGHT.

THE VINDICATION OF BEING RIGHT ALMOST TRIUMPHS THE ITCHINESS.

For some reason, I have no food, so I was thinking I would treat myself to some pizza. But what I SHOULD do is treat myself to some new blankets. My current blankets have slowly started deteriorating because of being thrown in the dryer on high heat so many times.

Why a Full-Grown Woman Needs Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Shot Glasses: A Pro/Con List

http://www.amazon.com/Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtles-Glasses/dp/B0096XATMG

Pros:

-Combines both childhood and adulthood interests.
-I’m pretty sure I had a crush on Rafael once.
-Can plan small gatherings where everyone bonds over their favorite turtle.
-Best to purchase now, before the Michael Bay movie drives up the price.
-Increases sophisication by preventing me from drinking my S’mores vodka straight out of the bottle.

Cons:

-Conflicts with various attempts to pretend to be a serious grown-up.
-Reveals inner childhood anthropomorphic romantic attachments.
-Creates the potential for conflict if guests fight over their turtle of choice.
-Concerned that if the Michael Bay movie is awful (Megan Fox as April? Megan Fox? Really?), the shot glasses could turn into a source of anxiety.
-Can really only be used at events serving pizza.

 

Realistically, I’ve probably already earned my Responsibility Points by even creating a pro/con list in the first place.