Juice Cleanse: Things You Need to Know

I got so tired that I never posted “Day Two (Part Two).” Day Three is just lost to the abyss. On Day Three I went to work and then watched the Game of Thrones finale with other non-juicing humans.

So here’s a summary of the different types of things people usually want to know about juice cleanses, answered via my experience.

Digestion: Does your stomach freak out? You know–liquid in, liquid out?

-While I didn’t have any dramatic digestive issues that sent me fleeing down the halls of my office, you just… worry. You just do.
-After “breaking the cleanse,” I had a lofty goal of only eating fresh fruit and steamed veggies. Aaaand then some folks brought trays and trays of free Indian food into the office. I didn’t eat a ton, but I ate enough to make myself concerned that my stomach would rebel. (It didn’t.)

Energy: Could you function?

-This juice cleanse left me more exhausted than the first juice cleanse I did. Not sure if it’s because of the juices or what.
-I did feel pretty good in the afternoon of the third day and afterwards. Almost felt guilty going back to food, like I should do a five day cleanse.

Weight Loss: ARE YOU SO SKINNY AND PERFECT NOW???

-I didn’t really weigh myself before and after the cleanse, because I didn’t want to get my hopes up over some super low number that stemmed from only losing water weight. However, the cleanse did motivate me to start making little changes, like measuring exactly how much agave and creamer I’m putting into my morning chai. Answer: I was using waaaay more than I thought, and I can easily live with a lot less. These small changes will hopefully help me lose a few pounds in the long run.

Hunger: Did you turn into a ravenous hunger monster?

-You spend a lot of time simultaneously thinking about–and trying not to think about–the food you’re going to make when you break your cleanse.
-After the cleanse, when eating a real meal for the first time in days, I got uncomfortably full REAL fast.
-The phrase “breaking your cleanse” makes the process sound super intense. And there is a lot of conflicting information on the internet. Eat only steamed veggies! Don’t eat any veggies! Eat oatmeal! Wait four days to eat oatmeal!

Ultimately, towards the end, there is a feeling of lightness and emptiness. You kind of wish the juice glow could continue forever. (I guess it could, if you buy a juicer and $75/week of produce. I totally feel like the prepackaged juice cleanses–when bought from the right places–are worth it, considering just how much money and effort goes into making your own juices.)

Also, the Jùs by Julie juices were pretty good. I enjoyed drinking all of them, except the Morning Glory. (NO ONE CAN POSSIBLY LIKE CELERY. WHY DO YOU ALL KEEP LYING TO ME?) If I ever saw another Groupon from them, I would pounce on it. Though I would even consider another Jùs by Julie cleanse without a discount. No, this is in no way sponsored by Jùs by Julie. But if anyone from the marketing team sees this and WOULD like to sponsor me…

If you’re reading this, and you have a question about juice cleansing–and I’ve tricked you into thinking that somehow I am qualified to answer it–please feel free to ask!

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Juice Cleanse: Day Two (Part I)

9:02am: Finally dragged self out of bed, solely because I could no longer ignore my need to pee.

9:07am-10:14am: Lost time.

10:15-10:40am: Decided to walk on treadmill reaaaaal slow. 3mph.

10:45am: Got Morning Glory juice out of fridge. Also took out tomorrow’s juices SO THEY COULD THAW A LITTLE. DO NOT FREEZE THE JUS BY JULIE JUICES. THE JUS BY JULIE WEBSITE SAYS YOU CAN FREEZE THEM AND THEN JUST DEFROST THEM OVERNIGHT. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THESE JUICES HOLD COLD SO WELL? IS THERE AN ICE WIZARD IN MY FRIDGE?

11:34am: Still choking through the Morning Glory juice. Not that it’s inherently bad, but I just hate celery. I haaaate it. I know most people say it tastes like water, but I think that is a lie. (The Celery Conspiracy. It’s my Illuminati.) It tastes basic. Like, basic as in the opposite of acidic.

11:45am: Procrastinated by drawing a picture of the ice wizard in my fridge.

The ice wizard reminds me that I need to freeze those strawberries. And make that eggplant on Tuesday.

The ice wizard reminds me that I need to freeze those strawberries. And make that eggplant on Tuesday.

12:00pm: Shower. Try to wash away the taste of celery.

Juice Cleanse: The Final Frontier

Okay, that’s being a bit dramatic. I’ve done a three-day juice cleanse before, through Purée in Bethesda. But I had really prepared for that one. I weaned myself off coffee to tea, till I was able to even forego tea. I ate a lot of salads.

Of course, when that juice cleanse ended, I accidentally ate a pound of cashews the next day and got horribly, terribly sick. Live and learn.

Back in December, I saw a Groupon for a three-day juice cleanse through Jùs by Julie. (Apparently, all juice places must have accent marks in their name. It’s, like, the law or something.) With the Christmas food season lurking around the corner, I thought, “This. This is a thing I will need.” So I bought it, and waited for such a time where I would have a free three-day weekend to redeem this Groupon, and do nothing but drink juice and sleep.

That mystical three-day weekend of freedom never came.

Eventually, I realized the Groupon was about to expire, and just went ahead and ordered the juice cleanse at the last possible second.

Aaaand here we are. The juice cleanse arrived Thursday, and I put the juices in the freezer, since I wouldn’t start till Saturday. I tried to eat some salads. I’ve been mostly drinking tea lately. But the past two nights, I definitely imbibed some cocktails and processed sugars. Last night, I took the juices out of the freezer and put them in the fridge.

The juices are STILL FROZEN. I’m sitting here, staring at my Morning Glory juice, whispering, “Thaw, damn you. Thaw.”

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The juice whisperer.

The Three-Day Weekend of Freedom in my imagination was a slightly rainy weekend, where I would be able to stay in, no problems or regrets. This weekend is NOT a three-day weekend, so I’ll be at work for the last day of my cleanse. And it’s BEAUTIFUL out. I’ve already turned down super fun plans because I’m like, “My body may or may not decide to function later. We’ll see. What are you doing on Tuesday?”

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Freeeedoooom.

 

End of log for now. May resume transmission after ingesting semi-frozen juice.