Here are some handy tips to help prep you for your impacted wisdom teeth removal surgery:
1) Try not to think about the fact that, in a few days, some other human being is going to cut into your mouth and then stitch up the gaping holes.
2) Don’t worry about how weird it will be, having something that was once a piece of your body thrown into bio waste trash.
BONUS TIP: Don’t start thinking about the mythology of the Catholic apocalypse, and how we’re not supposed to be cremated because Jesus is going to reunite us with our bodies in the end. Don’t start to wonder if Jesus is going to make your ghost search around a dump looking for your missing teeth.
3) Even though you haven’t prayed in years, throw a quick one up to Jesus just to make sure you guys are cool.
4) To make the concept of “dry socket” seem less scary, start prepping colorful phrases you can blurt out when under twilight anesthesia. “Sock-et to me! Ha. Ha. Ha.”
5) Don’t bother worrying about whether or not you’ll say inappropriate things–like talk about penises–when coming out from under anesthesia. You probably will. Just accept it now and move on.
*By “you” I mean me. I need to prepare for impacted wisdom teeth removal surgery on Thursday.