Alternate Title: When Things Get Gross
After feeling fairly certain that the first oral surgeon I consulted would kill me and hide my body in the break room mini-fridge, the next surgeon I saw was actually a bigwig at a local military hospital who works out of the dentist’s office in my work building one or two evenings a week. He inspired much more confidence. The office itself? Less so.
Mistake Number Two: Good surgeon does not equate competent office.
October of 2013. I decided to have my surgery on the Thursday before Columbus Day weekend so I’d use one less day of PTO. Sadly, my birthday was Columbus Day.
The dentist’s office quoted me a price for the surgery, I got it scheduled, and away we went.
On the day of the surgery, my mom and aunt drove down, and my mom would stay with me for a day or two. Because even though I was turning 27, I was still a giant baby.
THE SURGERY ITSELF (TAKE ONE)
Percocet is a helluva drug. I kept thinking the sque-ee-ee-eeek noise my shower door would make was a hyena laughing at me.
Here are some handy tips to help prep you for your impacted wisdom teeth removal surgery:
1) Try not to think about the fact that, in a few days, some other human being is going to cut into your mouth and then stitch up the gaping holes.
2) Don’t worry about how weird it will be, having something that was once a piece of your body thrown into bio waste trash.
BONUS TIP: Don’t start thinking about the mythology of the Catholic apocalypse, and how we’re not supposed to be cremated because Jesus is going to reunite us with our bodies in the end. Don’t start to wonder if Jesus is going to make your ghost search around a dump looking for your missing teeth.
3) Even though you haven’t prayed in years, throw a quick one up to Jesus just to make sure you guys are cool.
4) To make the concept of “dry socket” seem less scary, start prepping colorful phrases you can blurt out when under twilight anesthesia. “Sock-et to me! Ha. Ha. Ha.”
5) Don’t bother worrying about whether or not you’ll say inappropriate things–like talk about penises–when coming out from under anesthesia. You probably will. Just accept it now and move on.
*By “you” I mean me. I need to prepare for impacted wisdom teeth removal surgery on Thursday.